That girl had so much love.

Yup. I have so much love. And I part of me never thought I could love again after Nick. He stung me like no other. It's been easier than I thought to open up to someone new. Now, I'm not saying I'm in love with Jonathan. There's no way I could be yet. I just really like him. There's no harm in that. But apparently I always attract commitment-phobic boys. Nick...well we talked ALL the time and shared everything with each other...and he made the big choice to come out and visit...and that was the best weekend of my life. Then because "I come on too strong" he backed off...permanently. Now to the point that he even had the nerve to de-tag the 'friendly' photos of us on facebook. grr. What a guy. Just because it didn't feel right. No offense, but I'm sick of hearing that.

Now Jonathan. Sweet, dear Jonathan. I really thought I was safe with him. I trusted him completely. Afterall, he is a wonderful, Christian boy. Right? And I was his first kiss- that was special, right? yes, he admitted that was special, and so was some other stuff...but apparently not special enough to classify me as his "girlfriend"...we're just 'dating'... whoa. I just had this amazing weekend with this boy and felt super intimate with him...and I'm not even worthy of being his girlfriend. Oh, and why? it doesn't feel right. Yup. It doesn't feel right. Never heard that before... It doesn't feel right. For some reason... to him. Not to me- I feel great. I'm willing to take the leap of faith to be his girlfriend. The best one he could ever ask for. So after a bunch of tears, we're just going to back off a little but still 'date'. I did make it clear he was being a jerk about things. He does feel bad, as he should. Hello, people, you don't kiss and do other stuff with someone you're not committed to.

So, what the heck is wrong with me? Both of these young men have commented that I deserve someone who loves me so much. Uhm, why isn't it them if they think I'm so great? I am great, darn it.

I'm kind of bitter at the moment. My world is crashing down on me. and it's not just PMS. This whole Jonathan thing, my roommate (which I won't say anything because I don't want to be mean), my job (is SO stressful right now! I can't stand some of my students. I can't stand the pressure. I don't know what I'm doing for the summer, I just want to cry about teaching, too!!!!), church is not doing it for me (granted I'm not trying), I can't even get a discount on online furniture because I waited a day too long (target.com), and I'm just wondering why the heck I am here in Texas. Oh yeah, my doctor says I need to eat more protein and high-calorie food because I keep losing weight. Down to 128 and sometimes lower, my friends. A year ago January I was 155 or so! You'd think that'd be a good thing, but my pants don't fit. Which reminds me, I need to go through the new shorts I bought... I hate my to-do lists. they never end. They suck. I suck.

Lyrics from my favorite artists at the moment...they say a lot...

Ingrid Michaelson- Masochist
"When will I feel all soft on the inside?
When will I feel all soft on the inside?
When will I feel soft, soft?

[H]e says you're a masochist for falling for me."

Panic at the Disco- She had the world
"The sun was always in her eyes
She didn't even see me
But that girl had so much love
she'd wanna kiss you all the time
Yeah, she'd wanna kiss you all the time

I, I know why
Because when I look in her eyes
I just see the sky
When I look in her eyes
Well I, I just see the sky

I don’t love you I'm just passing the time
You could love me if I knew how to lie
But who could love me?
I am out of my mind
Throw an old line out to sea
To see if I can catch a dream"